Shoot the lights out

Good morning, you glorious beasts.

We're still figuring out what this strange little newsletter wants to be when it grows up.

After consulting with our spiritual advisors, we've accepted that we should probably ask (checks notes) - you?

Hit reply and tell us what you love/hate/are utterly, utterly indifferent toward.

— Ed & Joe

RETAIL
River Island will probably collapse

Unless their landlords agree to reduce rent, which is crippling the high street chain.

It has essentially become redundant in a world of online options, which have seen above-inflation growth since the start of the year.

Shein, by way of example, doubled their profits last year, raking in £1.5 billion.

Meanwhile, high street brands are flailing just below the waterline.

Of course, things haven’t been helped by the high cost of doing business these days, what with our industrial energy prices being the highest in the world. And lo, beasts:

Their creditors are calling

They already owe £270 million to some dreamily-named corporate loan shark called Blue Coast Capital. 

Which is why:

Restructuring is on the cards

The only way, it seems, that their parent company, the Lewis Trust Group, will donate an extra £40 million to their underperforming weakling of a child. 

They plan to close 33 stores, and are hoping that their landlords will break the habit of a lifetime and agree to reduce rent out of the goodness of their hearts.

They probably won’t. Just ask Poundland, who this week confirmed that 25 of their stores will see the chop for similar reasons.

The alternative is liquidation

If the landlords don’t agree to reducing rent via a court hearing next month. 

Basically, River Island wouldn’t be able to pay its debts. It would stop trading and probably go into administration.

THE PINT
Imagine the Economist had a drunken love child with a meme page. That’s The Pint

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ADVERTISING
This M&S ad was banned because the model was “too skinny”

And in one fell swoop, my modelling aspirations have died. Oh yes. The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) said Marks and Sparks were “irresponsible” for publishing an ad that showed an “unhealthily thin” model. 

ASA blamed the camera angles

Which made the model’s head look eerily out of proportion with her body. Her large pointed shoes made her legs look thinner, too, and her pose emphasised her collarbones. 

So, M&S removed the ad, apologising for offending the four people who complained. 

M&S isn’t the only one

ASA banned a Next advert last February for also using camera angles to make the model look thinner than she really was. 

Specifically, the model’s thigh, which apparently looked the same size as her lower leg.

This all comes against the backdrop of a noticeable trend away from ‘plus-size’ models.

This season’s New York shows used a meagre 31 curvaceous ladies, down from 49 last season.

Some say we’re back to a “heroin-chic” aesthetic. 

It might be because of all the new weight loss drugs on the market. Or perhaps it’s the cost of living, and that we’d feel better about ourselves if we saw other people starving.

HOSPITALITY
Drinks are on Wetherspoons

Sales increased 5% for the last three months, putting them now at pre-pandemic levels. Tim Martin must be chortling in a pool somewhere, sprawled on his Union Jack-themed inflatable, because:

Summer saved the day

More Brits were drawn to their local Wetherspoons as pagans to a big old stone in a field because of the unseasonably hot, dry weather we’ve been having. 

Sales of wine, prosecco, Guinness and whisky increased dramatically, or as Spoons owner Tim Martin said, they were “shooting the lights out”. Righto.

Naturally, shares in Wetherspoons are 28% higher than at the start of the year.

Spoons isn’t the only one

Fuller, Smith & Turner increased sales 5% in the last 4 months, while Marston’s grew revenue by nearly 3%. 

A bit of breathing space for our lads down the pub, what with all the prohibitive tax hikes imposed on British boozers in the last year.

NEWS BITES
This just in…

• 🏦 🧑‍⚖️ Two bankers who contributed to the financial crisis have had their convictions overturned by the UK Supreme Court. The former city traders had been jailed for manipulating interest rates used for inter-bank loans, but the judge ruled their conviction - a decade ago - was “unfair”, considering everyone else was rigging rates. Curiously, the government hasn’t been prosecuted for effectively doing the same thing…

• 🚗 📉 British car manufacturing is at its lowest since the 1950s, barring the pandemic. The number of new vehicles dropped 12% in the first half of the year, thanks to Donald’s tariffs, and car makers’ struggle to pivot towards EV manufacturing. Industry insiders hope the government’s new EV subsidy will [insert overly-used fuel-and-engine related metaphor here].

• 📺️ 📉 ITV’s profits have fallen 44% since January. And it’s all because they’re making less money from advertising, ad revenues having fallen 8%. So they’re cutting costs, replacing traditional ad streams with digital ones, and slashing £20 million from their programming budget, which will surely make ITV worse than it already is, which seems unbelievable.

• 💸 💡 Monzo’s co-founder just invested millions in Monet, a British fintech that helps agencies get paid by all the ungrateful, grasping sods who delay invoices. Monzo and Starling co-founder Paul Rippon, along with a team of other investors, put forward £17 million in early-stage funding, after Monet’s successful pilot. 

• ✈️ 🇺🇸 Yet another glorious British startup is being gobbled up by American capital. The FTSE-listed Alpha Group just agreed to be acquired by Corpay for £1.8 billion. According to the latest research, Britain is on track for the biggest year of takeovers since 2021. Someone must stand up to these vultures. Where is Hugh Grant in Love Actually when you need him?