Gooseberries

Good morning, you glorious beasts.

The Home Office apparently has no idea whether 1.18 million skilled workers who entered the UK since 2020 left when their visas expired.

Despite expanding the route in 2022 to address skill shortages, there has been no exit data analysis since 2020.

A cross-party committee also found "widespread evidence of workers suffering debt bondage, working excessive hours and exploitative conditions".

MPs accused the department of showing "little curiosity about how the route was operating" - rather like when I’m ‘uncurious’ about my bank balance after a night out.

HOUSING
Rents are increasing because landlords are selling like mad

According to a recent report by Savills. A record-breaking 24% of landlords sold a property in 2024 and nearly half plan to sell this year because: 

It’s very difficult being a landlord

For one, individual landlords don’t get mortgage interest relief anymore - and mortgages are more expensive because interest rates are so high. 

That’s not even taking into account all the annoying new laws in place: the abolition of ‘no fault’ evictions, and the need to make properties energy efficient. All of which makes being a landlord less jolly (according to landlords). 

Plus, they’re reaching retirement. The average age of a landlord who owns 2 properties or less is 59. They want to cash in on their pension, it seems.

All of which means:

Rental prices are increasing

Because for every 5 homes that landlords sell, landlords only buy one, and build-to-let developments aren’t keeping up with rental demand.

There’s scarcity, with rental listings per branch declining since August 2022. 

Hence why rental prices increased 9% in 2024 all the while house prices have been falling. 

Enter the professionals 

Large, professional landlords have doubled their share of the market since 2018. 

The ball is in their court. Unlike individuals, limited companies can deduct mortgage interest from their income. 

Which is why 73% of landlords now say they’ll buy a property through a limited company next time. So the trend will only increase. 

R.I.P. the strange old landlord who rents out his second home.

FOOD
All this hot weather is increasing food prices

According to the British Retail Consortium. Apparently we can’t blame everything on Trump, the Labour government, and those gentlemen coming here on little boats. Because: 

Hot weather leads to lower crop yields

Last spring was the driest on record and we’ve just seen out the warmest June. 

Which does make farming rather difficult - because farming, famously, requires rain. 

Hence food prices increasing 3.7% in June while overall prices increased just a lazy 0.4%. 

The worst hit were gooseberries

According to government figures, the price of gooseberries increased 243%. 

Gooseberries despise dry weather like I despise those cowards who seek to destroy me, requiring cool, moist weather to grow. 

The price of strawberries, meanwhile, increased just 3%, because they thrive in the sun (and we import them, too, the little tarts). 

In short, climate change hates Britain. 

Farmers are worried

In the last 5 years, they’ve been hammered by extremely inconsistent weather. 

Extreme rain. Droughts. Heatwaves. 

Last year’s crop was one of the worst in decades, with farmers losing a total of £1 billion from arable crops alone.

84% just reported they’ve already suffered a drop in crop yields

With three-quarters of farmers reporting a drop in income.

You heard it here first, my friends: Gooseberries are about to get very, very expensive.

JOBS
A 4-day working week trial was a roaring success

According to the researchers who ran the study of 1,000 employees and 17 companies. Every man jack of those businesses said it was such a success that they’ll keep the 4-day week going.

It was more efficient, apparently

Particularly for BrandPipe, a software company, which increased sales and doubled its financial performance during the trial. 

Plus, 62% of respondents reported feeling less burnt out and 45% said they felt better about life. Which is nice.

This backs the findings of a bigger, better trial back in 2022

When company revenues rose by 1.4% on average.

There was also a 65% drop in people taking sick days (which, as we all know, are sometimes just an excuse to sit in one’s pants and feast like a gout-ridden king). 

Plus, far fewer workers quit. 

Viva la revolución, chaps!

NEWS BITES
This just in…

• 🦄 🇬🇧 British AI unicorns are breaking records. The absolute hounds raised £1.7 billion in the first half of this year alone, up 27% from a decade ago, comprising nearly a third of all VC funding. In terms of VC funding, we’re still the best (in Europe), with Britain’s share making up 30% of all European funding, £5.9 billion in total. That’s more than France and Germany combined. Huzzah!

• 😢 📈 When Chancellor Rachel Reeves cried at PMQs this Wednesday, her tears were so powerful they actually increased the cost of government borrowing. Investors were reportedly a wee bit concerned that the PM was going to give her the sack. After Starmer gave her a nice (and rather awkward) hug, and his backing, the price went down again. Love, it seems, does indeed conquer all. 

• 💉 🧳 Britain’s most valuable company is thinking of leaving London. CEO Pascal Soriot, not content with being a Knight of the Realm, is thinking of moving AstraZeneca’s London listing to the US. The arrant traitor says he doesn’t feel “welcome” in Blighty, largely because NHS England didn’t approve his exciting new drug and British and European regulators are going on a red tape bender. If this happens, the London Stock Exchange would be short of £160 billion. 

• 🚲️ 🦹 London cyclists are a bunch of wanton criminals. They are ten times more likely than motorists to be fined for jumping red lights. More than half of them brazenly admit to paying no heed to the traffic light system, which is, as we all know, the linchpin stopping society from descending into violent anarchy. 

• 🥧 ☀️ The heatwave hit Greggs, with Britain’s most beloved firm reporting slower growth in June. Overall, fewer customers entered their local Greggs, but cold drink sales increased. Greggs is concerned their overall profits will decline year on year, owing to the unseasonably hot weather. Is nothing sacred anymore?

• 🤖 🍓 Robots are being used to pick strawberries on a farm in Essex because the government wants to solve agricultural labour shortages. The £20,000 robot uses machine learning and AI to select, pick and package the fruits in seconds. Five more robots are to be built. Why treat migrant fruit pickers like slaves when you’ve got robots, eh?