Begad

Good morning, you glorious beasts.

If we could see you, we’d hold you like that guy from the Coldplay concert. But we’d never be ashamed or run and hide.

Tough week for the chap. Imagine being outed to millions as a Coldplay fan.

— Ed & Joe

BUSINESS
Burberry is sinking like a stylish stone

The luxury brand just reported its best quarter in 18 months, but that’s not saying much.

Its sales only fell 2%, down from a 6% drop three months earlier.

They’ve managed to stem the bleeding by getting down with the kids, with things like pop-up DJ sets in shopping centres. And share prices have rallied 4% as a result.

But they are, alas, far from home-and-hosed.

Things are bad for Burberry

What with the luxury market slowdown.

Fewer people are forking out for the sort of high-end trench coats and handbags Burberry is famous for. 

They’re worth half of what they were, and have been lobbed out of the FTSE 100. 

The company recently cut 1,700 jobs - a panicked effort to make at least £100 million in savings. Truth be told: 

This is a self-inflicted gunshot wound

I could mention the weird pivot Burberry made three years ago when it failed to enter the extremely competitive leather goods market. 

Or hiking prices during a cost-of-living crisis. Or changing its creative director three times in a decade. 

Mainly, though, Burberry’s range has earned a big fat yawn from the fashion world. 

CRYPTO
The government is selling its stash of stolen Bitcoin

Our glorious leaders expect to make at least £3.7 billion from it, all in the hope of filling the gaping hole in our national budget. To coin a Starmerism, let me make one thing absolutely clear: 

This crypto was confiscated

From Chinese criminals, as it happens - 61,000 BTC in total, laundered as part of an investment racket. And on British soil, begad!

Naturally, the victims of this aforementioned ruse want their money back. However: 

The government wants the money for itself

The Crown Prosecution Service has asked the High Court to let them sell the confiscated Bitcoin and give the proceeds to the cash-strapped Treasury. 

The government is even offering a contract to a business that can help them hold and sell stolen crypto. 

Some say the government is making a mistake

Largely because the value of Bitcoin is rising fast. 

Crypto is more legitimate now. The US government is regulating it as we speak. 

Plus, banks and governments are viewing crypto like gold - an asset ‘safe haven’ during a time when a single tweet can cause a market crash, or Donald Trump’s midnight whims can cause a trade war. 

Maybe government loons should wait it out

They might kick themselves later.

Germany sold billions of stolen crypto last year. It missed out on billions in the space of a few hundred days. 

Although knowing our luck, the Bitcoin horse will inevitably buck the moment we bet on it.

SOCIAL MEDIA
Jet2 Holidays is trying to play it cool

The budget travel company has just become a meme after its “Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday” ad went viral on TikTok. 

For all the wrong reasons

People are sharing videos of terrible, rain-drenched holidays with the annoying Jet2 jingle in the background.

One TikTok video with 1.6 million likes shows a woman nearly drowning, all narrated by “Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday”. 

Jet2 is leaning into it

It posted its own funny video, and is even offering £1,000 as a prize for the best one.

Which is clever. For (at least) two reasons: 

1. They’re joining the in-joke, without doing it themselves. Even the brands that do meme-ry well (hello RyanAir and Duolingo) are still quite cringe.

   
   But by letting creators do it themselves, you’re incentivising a flood of genuinely funny content with far greater viral potential than your depressed intern could ever cook up.
   

2. You’re getting blasted all over social media anyway. So you might as well turn the memes into a discovery point for 0.01% to become ‘product aware’ of your 34.99 ticket to the magical world of Magaluf. 

Jet2 has been performing extremely well this quarter. Let’s see whether this plays well.

NEWS BITES
This just in…

• 🇪🇺🏴‍☠️ Meta doesn’t want to play with you EU, with Mark Zuckerberg refusing to sign its new AI Act. His chiefs are slating it online for legal “overreach”. Possibly because the Act said it just isn’t cricket to train AI models on pirated materials. The Act is purely voluntary, of course, but signing it would have afforded Meta some legal protection if it ever found itself in troubled water. 

• 👷 🔋 The government is ripping up planning permission for EV owners, making it easier for people to set up charging points/tear up their driveways to install underground cables.

• 🏘️ 🦠 One of Britain’s largest estate agents is parasitical, according to a BBC investigation. One found that Connells favours buyers who want to use their in-house mortgaging team, an illegal practice called ‘conditional selling’. Which is basically blackmail. Connells goes so far as to undervalue sellers’ homes just to sell to people who will use their financing. Absolute w-ers. 

• 👕 🥹 The EU is shocked by the quality of Shein and Temu’s clothes. No wonder. An EU investigation found that their products do not pass muster: a children’s raincoat made with toxic chemicals, sunglasses sans UV filters, cosmetics containing ingredients that make people infertile, and non-regulated baby soothers with fragile beads that could choke an infant. 

• ✈️ 🛑 38 Ryanair flights were delayed this week because of the National Air Traffic Service (NATS), which is beset by staff shortages and mismanagement. Ryanair has even created a website called ‘Air Traffic Control Ruined Your Flight’, dedicated to sacking the organisation’s CEO. Which is funny, but bitter. There are shortages in France, too, because French air traffic controllers are being very French: striking. There’s been a 77% rise in ATC-related delays since last year. Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité is all well and good, but I need a bloody holiday.