Banned

Good morning, you glorious beasts.

Scientists in Stevenage are building a rover to search for life on Mars (having given up on finding any in Hertfordshire).

It's set to depart in 2028, with a 9-month journey followed by a 9-month “parking orbit” before landing in 2030.

The rover will trundle at a whopping 2cm per second, drilling into Martian soil for signs of organic matter.

Stevenage was chosen as our “Mars Yard” in the 1960s because it’s outside London's nuclear blast radius. How reassuring.

ECOMMERCE
London is losing its Shein

Chinese fast-fashion retailer Shein isn’t going to go public on the London Stock Exchange (LSE) anymore. Instead, it’s going to Hong Kong. Which is a kick in the soft parts when you remember that, if you remove London, Britain is a poor country - poorer than the poorest US state. 

What happened? 

• A year ago, Shein filed to be an initial public offering (IPO) in the UK

• Bagged approval from the Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) last month

• But can’t get the China Securities Regulatory Commission to agree, sources say. 

Why? 

Because of the former owner of the Miss Universe competition. Donald J Trump, that is, who:

• Ordered the US to close the de minimis loophole which allowed low-value Chinese goods to enter the US market tax-free

• This, in one fell swoop, destroyed Temu’s entire business model

Now the UK and EU are cooking up similar schemes, which, in the broader context of a US-China trade war, means Chinese companies are understandably reluctant to do business with us. 

In short, Shein’s original £50 billion valuation in the UK halved within a year.

Why should I care? 

Because we needed a win. 

The Shein listing would have been one of the biggest listings ever on the LSE, which has been struggling to attract investors and has seen deal values falling in the last few years.

The government even relaxed its regulations last summer to make it more attractive to foreign companies. 

But then the former owner of Miss Universe became president. And left us naked. 

Shein isn’t the only one

• Unilever chose Amsterdam, not London, this February

• Online betting company Flutter moved

• Shell is even considering setting up elsewhere. 

Is something else going on?

Yes, because:

Shein speaks of a bigger, more frightening trend

Hong Kong - China in all but name - is now outpacing the London Stock Exchange. Which is worrrying. 

Shein doesn’t need London’s financial services, but our financial services desperately need Shein. 

We’re losing our top-dog position. 

Daddy’s job in finance isn’t so set in stone. 

And without Daddy’s money, his children are woefully underprepared for this brave new world. 

BANKING
Who or what clipped Starling’s wings?

Starling Bank’s pre-tax profits are down 26%, all because they’ve had to fork out £57 million in fines and government loan paybacks. 

What happened? 

Something’s rotten in the state of Starling Bank’s compliance procedures. 

• The FCA fined them £29 million in October 2024 because they couldn’t stop themselves from giving bank accounts to high-risk individuals

• Then they had to pay £28 million because they were handing out loans with pandemic-era government money to individuals who didn’t meet the requirements.

A tad cheeky, eh?

To be fair, Starling came clean about the loans without being asked. But still:

Why?

Bad automation. At least in the case of the £29 million fine. 

• Starling’s automated screening software only screened the names of onboardees against a smidge of the full list of financially sanctioned individuals. 

• Those systems weren’t tested and calibrated effectively

• And there weren’t any policies or procedures in place to work out or rectify it. 

What happens now? 

Starling needs money. 

They might get listed on the London Stock Exchange (which would be a win for the City, given its recent failure to attract just about anyone good). 

But their B2B offering, Engine - effectively a SaaS product that helps banks build better banks with a blueprint of their own banking system - is expanding in the US after a good run in Romania. 

Let’s hope the blueprint is of a functioning bank, and not an open vault.

TRADE
Helping Americans undercut our own

The UK is about to be flooded with cheap American ethanol, thanks to the new US-UK trade agreement. The trouble is American ethanol producers will undercut our own guys. Because we’re subsidising American ethanol producers. 

Say it ain’t so

It is so. Those cheeky Americans (I’m looking at you, Archer Daniels Midland)

• Claim credits in the US for each gallon of ethanol they produce, reducing the cost of production. 

• Once they ship their ethanol to the UK, they can obtain certificates, which they can sell on to those who must prove how eco-friendly their ethanol is. 

So we’re effectively subsidising American producers to undercut our own guys. Which just isn’t cricket, chaps. 

What will happen? 

It’s already happening. 

UK producers say they’re experiencing price competition they can’t match, and they’re calling for the government to level the playing field.

NEWS BITES
This just in…

• 👰 😡 27% of Londoners don’t like monogamy. No surprises there. They think committed two-person relationships aren’t “realistic” blah blah blah but of course they don’t - London is the kink capital of the world. ONS data confirms the trend. The number of unmarried adults more than doubled in the last 30 years. Still, that might be less of a lifestyle choice than a response to a mental illness epidemic, looming WWIII, and dire economic fortunes.

• 🌬️ ❌ Disposable vapes are now officially banned. That means no more candy cane bubblegum flavoured nicotine hits, you glorious beasts. Anyone selling a disposable vape more than once faces jail time. Remember: lingering after a funeral remains illegal. Thank heavens the government have its priorities straight. 

• 🪙 🫰 Trump doubled tariffs on steel, even though we just agreed to zero-tariff steel exports. This is unhinged, even for him. British steel producers will continue paying 50% tariffs when selling to the US until the deal is finally passed by Congress. Prepare for market turmoil. Steel yourselves, in fact.

• 👮‍♂️ ✈️ Brits sending money abroad are getting scammed more than ever. The number of authorised push payment (APP) scams involving cross-border payments doubled in 2024, and the victims won’t get reimbursed by the banks because they’re not covered under the government’s rules. But deal with the disposable vapes first, if you please.

• 🏦 📉 The government no longer owns NatWest. It’s been 17 years since the government saved the bank from collapse with a £45 billion bailout. Sadly for taxpayers, the government lost £10 billion from the sale. 

• 🍺 🐶 BrewDog’s rebrand is bland, according to marketers, who took to LinkedIn to voice their boredom. The rebranding was made after founder and CEO James Watt stepped down, and it was hyped to no end (wiping all their social media accounts, literally talking of an impending “revolution”). Some said it looked “like a Canva font”, had “lost some of their original charm”, and was just “a copy” of other brands.

How can you let people know you’re cool and mysterious?

Share Bunce with your friends. 

Not only will people know you’re cool (you read Bunce after all), but you’ll get free stuff emblazoned with “Bunce”.

This will make you more mysterious because no one knows what Bunce is. Yet. 

These are scientific facts. 

So don’t be anti-science: spew us everywhere like an airborne disease.